I want out of this, immediately.

I had to say a permanent goodbye to two good friends tonight. Not permanent of course, but it's going to be quite a long time before I see them again. It's the beginning of the countless goodbyes I'll have to endure, and I dread them all. Victoria, one of the most inspiring people I've ever met, tried to remind me of how much I'm gaining. She may be right, but all I feel for the moment is loss. This hurts. The worst part is the stress, the constant reminders of the millions of things I should be doing to prepare for my sister's wedding, camp, and the dreaded move. I feel like such an awful sister. A week from today Katie will be married, yet I spend every day away from home trying to absorb every last hour I have in Kingwood. There's just too much stress at home, too much of that draining and powerless feeling. I hate everything about this.

California Waiting

I really wish you would stop asking me questions that you already know the anwser to. It confuses me and makes this more difficult, and I can't figure out why you're doing it.

I'd tell you the news but nothing's changed.

I'd sing you a song but they blew it away,

All wrapped up in this stupid ass game.

Hey, California waiting. 

Every little thing's gotta be just right.

Title and Registration

It's weird how two friends can suffer the same disasters at the same time. Admitatley, the problems vary in intensity. However, they all fall under the same categories. Moving, friends, boys. The unknown. It's all so difficult. I want to thank you for always listening and understanding in a way no one else can. I hope I've helped you some. This song means alot to us both- another thing we hold in common. I know we're going to be friends for a long time.

Nothing is more important

They are everything to me.

Forever.

{pictures stolen from my beautiful friends Lindsey and Paige}

My Truest Love

First off, let me just say that I realize this is a total "white person problem". However...

As the hopelessness of the situation starts to suffocate me, I realize that the thought of leaving Kingwood and it's residents behind causes me near physical pain. I've never felt so useless, weak, and powerless in my entire life. I cannot accept this move, I cannot go through with it. Every day it becomes more real and the constant reminders wound me deeply. I've met so many new, amazing people this year, and I fear these new relationships are coming to a permanent close. I even feel tension with my closest of friends. The pain makes me act differently, and when we have off days I panic. Whenever things seem tense with a friend these days it kills me because I'm about to leave them for good. I'm scared to be around my friends for fear of messing something up and then leaving on a bad note. It's so hard to accept their pity. I know they're sad I'm moving...at least some of them. But their lives will go back to how they were and I can't pretend that my absence will be even be noticed, after a while. And I envy their lives. I'm jealous of all the things I'm going to miss out on. I'm terrified to move and be surrounded by strangers. And I hate that many of the happy days I planned for this summer are being ruined by moving plans. I go to camp in July, and when I come home...well I won't. My family will move while I'm away. When do I say goodbye to my friends? HOW do I say goodbye to my friends? How do I forgive my parents for simply trying to provide for me? Why do I have to be such a terrible person and despise them for this? I know God has not left me, for I feel His presence. Our relationship, however, is a daily struggle ridden with mistrust and doubt.

And through all these complaints, my self-respect plummets. I can't believe how selfish I am for being so upset. The pain is too great for me to be thankful for the blessings and the new challenge. I cannot welcome this change.