My Truest Love

First off, let me just say that I realize this is a total "white person problem". However...

As the hopelessness of the situation starts to suffocate me, I realize that the thought of leaving Kingwood and it's residents behind causes me near physical pain. I've never felt so useless, weak, and powerless in my entire life. I cannot accept this move, I cannot go through with it. Every day it becomes more real and the constant reminders wound me deeply. I've met so many new, amazing people this year, and I fear these new relationships are coming to a permanent close. I even feel tension with my closest of friends. The pain makes me act differently, and when we have off days I panic. Whenever things seem tense with a friend these days it kills me because I'm about to leave them for good. I'm scared to be around my friends for fear of messing something up and then leaving on a bad note. It's so hard to accept their pity. I know they're sad I'm moving...at least some of them. But their lives will go back to how they were and I can't pretend that my absence will be even be noticed, after a while. And I envy their lives. I'm jealous of all the things I'm going to miss out on. I'm terrified to move and be surrounded by strangers. And I hate that many of the happy days I planned for this summer are being ruined by moving plans. I go to camp in July, and when I come home...well I won't. My family will move while I'm away. When do I say goodbye to my friends? HOW do I say goodbye to my friends? How do I forgive my parents for simply trying to provide for me? Why do I have to be such a terrible person and despise them for this? I know God has not left me, for I feel His presence. Our relationship, however, is a daily struggle ridden with mistrust and doubt.

And through all these complaints, my self-respect plummets. I can't believe how selfish I am for being so upset. The pain is too great for me to be thankful for the blessings and the new challenge. I cannot welcome this change.

I long for summer.

I can't wait for the days when I wake up and have no idea what's to occur. My spontaneous and creative friends are always coming up with entertaining pastimes (i.e. taking the metro downtown to the zoo) and I hope the summer I have here will be a glorious adventure. There's so much to look forward to, from the lazy days to mission trip to climbing a mountain in Colorado with some long-lost friends. And I'm completely over schoolwork. It amazes me how intense my last week of official classes has been, and I dread studying for finals. I want to walk out of Kingwood High knowing that the stress and worry is in recess for three glorious months. I can't wait for pleasure reading, lake houses, concerts, and unlikely adventures. The anticipation is torturous, and yet, summer's approach is bittersweet. I long for the goodness it brings but dread the pain of leaving Kingwood for good. I can't wait to be finished with school, but I'm not ready to be finished with KHS. I worry that my summer will be darkened by fear of the unknown, the stress of finding a new school, and more fights with my mom. This last item is an unfortunate truth: my mother and I are both so emotionally drained all of the time, and I think we turn this frustration on each other. I know how hard my parents are working right now, yet I cannot abstain from holding them in some form of resentment. I love them completely and endlessly, but on (frequent) occasion I cannot bear to even remain in my house because there are too many negative emotions. 

I planned a co-moving away party with one of my best friends. We threw it together very quickly, and it's rather likely that a much better organized one will be produced by our friends at some point. However, we are getting a small group of girls together for a tie-dying party Friday. It'll be adorable, and nice to get "the group" together before everyone becomes involved in their separate summer plans. I'm glad we're doing this early, with the knowledge that we still have a summer's amount of time left together. I don't have to say goodbye just yet!

On a VERY, very random side note, I think Christians often confuse Christianity with socialism. Christ calls us to love our neighbors and avoid greed, but I don't think he meant for this to be done with socialized health care. We can't just put a man in charge because his idealistic ideas dimly remind of of the kind of society we need to be working towards. A government can't make this other world possible, it is the individual who carries the job, and we need to preform it by loving others and showing them God's love. We can't just "spread the wealth" or put a limit on salaries. That doesn't build character, it sparks conflict and decreases workmanship. I need to follow God and want to help others because I know that is what He wants for the world.  I think the sweat and dedication spent by many Christians to put Obama in office may have been better served showing Christ's love to others. I'm not saying he isn't a good man; I couldn't possibly know that. And we do need change. But everyone has to be a part of it, we can't just wait around for new laws to be passed that challenge our ability to think for ourselves.

Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France

my dream home.

I came across it as I was preforming my daily ritual of online house shopping. It's full of beautiful white light and has plenty of built-in bookshelves. It's heaven. It's 1.9 million dollars....and out of the lineup!

I've been feeling very optimistic lately. Life is such a beautiful gift, and I'd hate to squander my time with worry about the unchangeable. I need to try to support my parents more during this hard time, it's unfair to blame them for this terrible move.

Worry, however, can be unavoidable. I want to put all of my trust in God, but I hate residing in the dark. I don't know if I'm ready for this challenge. And I can't believe how melodramatic I am, it repulses me!

I learned a very valuable lesson today: Sarcasm must always be checked with caution. What can be said in jest can cut someone deeply. Who knows how many people I've hurt. I'm sorry.

Four Seasons Self Storage

I hate...

 

1) Suprise stops to the storage unit

2) My terribly ugly fridge- uncovered when the real estate agents suggested the removal of pictures and magnets.

3) The fact that I may have to leave my house on a 30 minute notice any time from 9 am to 5 pm, at the leisure of realtors and potential home stealers.

4) That I have no idea what school I'll be attending next year and what classes I'll be taking. 

5) That I can't figure out how to deal with my friends. Distancing myself out of pain only leads to further hurt and confusion. Likewise, clinging on to them in desperation leads to their annoyance and my loss of confidence.

6) Knowing that I have not a single friend in California.

7) Remembering that we shipped my dad's car to California, thus leaving me and my mom to constantly fight over the suburban. As if I want to drive it.

8) EBAY

9) AIG

10) That I refuse to look for a silver lining