As the hopelessness of the situation starts to suffocate me, I realize that the thought of leaving Kingwood and it's residents behind causes me near physical pain. I've never felt so useless, weak, and powerless in my entire life. I cannot accept this move, I cannot go through with it. Every day it becomes more real and the constant reminders wound me deeply. I've met so many new, amazing people this year, and I fear these new relationships are coming to a permanent close. I even feel tension with my closest of friends. The pain makes me act differently, and when we have off days I panic. Whenever things seem tense with a friend these days it kills me because I'm about to leave them for good. I'm scared to be around my friends for fear of messing something up and then leaving on a bad note. It's so hard to accept their pity. I know they're sad I'm moving...at least some of them. But their lives will go back to how they were and I can't pretend that my absence will be even be noticed, after a while. And I envy their lives. I'm jealous of all the things I'm going to miss out on. I'm terrified to move and be surrounded by strangers. And I hate that many of the happy days I planned for this summer are being ruined by moving plans. I go to camp in July, and when I come home...well I won't. My family will move while I'm away. When do I say goodbye to my friends? HOW do I say goodbye to my friends? How do I forgive my parents for simply trying to provide for me? Why do I have to be such a terrible person and despise them for this? I know God has not left me, for I feel His presence. Our relationship, however, is a daily struggle ridden with mistrust and doubt.
And through all these complaints, my self-respect plummets. I can't believe how selfish I am for being so upset. The pain is too great for me to be thankful for the blessings and the new challenge. I cannot welcome this change.
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I disagree....I believe anyone of any race can experience this... White people aren't the only ones that face this challenge.
ReplyDeletePS I love you
ah I just meant I'm being a brat!
ReplyDeletePS I love you too
EMILYY.
ReplyDeletesweetheart you must stop getting mad at yourself for feeling this way. you must stop blaming yourself for making your parents angry and stressed. youre a teenagerr! thats your job! and it sucks god knows it does. but you cannot continue to get mad at yourself for being "selfish" and wanting to stay. those are natural feelings. ive had tons of friends move in my lifetime and when you move you worry that your friends have forgotten you, and when your friends move, you worry your they have forgotten you. when in reality neither of those are true. i really hope you can look at this situation in a new light and notice all the joy and happiness surrounding you while you are still here. love you dearly <3