How do I go back?

Meredith introduced me to a good song.

Oh my dear
What a phase we have become
Oh my sweet
What a phase we will become
How do I go back to california?
How do I leave the green fields here?
Warm nights in your sweet magnolia
How do I leave the green fields here?
Oh my friends
What a love trip it's been
Many nights and the friends that we have made
How do I go back to california?
How do I leave the tall trees here?
Warm nights in your sweet magnolia
How do I leave the green fields?
How do I go back to california?
How do I leave the green fields here?
Warm nights in your sweet magnolia
How do I leave the green fields here?

Resolutions.

I can be a terribly lazy and uncommitted person. I never take the initiative, and I don't challenge myself. Hopefully a few New Year's Resolutions can help mold me into a more responsible person. Sharing them here will help me feel accountable no matter how modest my following may be.

1) Study His word. Being the uncommitted person that I am, keeping up with my Daily Walk Bible proved to be a difficult and daunting task. Yet it's foolish to refuse 15 minutes of study and reflection to the One who gave me everything, especially when I claim a desire to walk beside Him.

2) Journal. Blogs are fantastic, but there is something far more romantic (and private) about keeping a real journal. Plus I've never actually completed one. If writing is truly my passion I must be willing to work at it, how else can I improve? Just four sentences a day, that's all I'm asking of myself.

3) Blog at least three times a week. Must work on that commitment.

4) Stay in touch. I want the people I love and miss to know the great extent of my care. However, I also want to improve my relationship with those whom I see daily, for they are just as much a beautiful part of my world.

5) Stay in shape. meh.

6) Choose reading over other forms of entertainment. Never in this world has there been a lovelier pastime.

I'll Be Home For Christmas!

Maybe not in that house that I love so dearly.

But I'll be back in the place I know best.

My parents are excited to go back!

But they expressed regret that we "won't be home on Christmas day".

I said I disagree, we will be home.

"Home is wherever I'm with you".

The Rainbow Bridge

inspired by a Norse legend

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,

Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.

Where the friends of man and woman do run,

When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,

Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.

On this golden land, they wait and they play,

Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,

For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.

Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,

Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,

Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.

All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,

Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met;

Together again, both person and pet.

So they run to each other, these friends from long past,

The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart,

Has turned into joy once more in each heart.

They embrace with a love that will last forever,

And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

Home is wherever I'm with you.

I knew I was getting ahead of myself

but I couldn't help but believe that the whole thing was set in stone, and that she was coming.

I'm having a birthday party this weekend in...celebration? We will say recognition of my 17th birthday that looms forth on Tuesday, November 17th. Lindsey was hoping to be able to make it, but the flights just are not going to work out. I know this is entirely out of her hands and that she would be here in a second if she could. This knowledge however, could do nothing to counter the unsteadiness that I have been fighting for the last several weeks.

I held on as long as I could, not speaking more than a few necessary words when my father picked Meredith and I up from our friend's birthday dinner. I am so grateful for Meredith. There is no one else in this world who can understand the pain more than her. She gracefully filled my silence and understood it entirely.

I couldn't hold on anymore upon entering my house. I got in the shower and cried raging tears. I cried for Lindsey, for how much I miss her. I cried for the disgusting turn of events that have left me without her, without all of them. I cried for Marisa, I miss her so much. I cried for Morgan and her honesty. I cried for Natalie's humor, and Paige's kindness. I wept for Caitie, Rachel, Kate, Carolyn, Savana, Caitlin, Jessica. For Andy and Jase and Charlie and Connor and JJ. The jerk even slithered into my thoughts for a few moments and forced even more tears out of me. I cried for my parents, for always disappointing them, for treating them poorly. I cried for the physical distance between myself and a sorely missed sister.

I cried for being a different person. For being some I do not recognize mentally, physically, emotionally, academically, and spiritually.

I cried, I cried, I wept.

I know things will get better. I know it and believe it. It's just such a vague feeling of hopefulness, not a real, substantial comfort. It's a distant light, not a warm embrace of familiarity.

"And I know that it's a wonderful world. But I can't feel it right now."

Seventy Eight.

I've never gotten a C on an essay before. In fact, I have difficulty recalling a time when I earned anything less than an A. It's not the grade that upsets me, for grades rarely upset me anymore. It's simply the fact that writing is what I adore, what I treasure, what brings me joy. To be told that you don't excel in the realm you care most about is incredibly discouraging.

I don't wish to excel in writing so that I can be the best, I just want to feel valuable. I realize I'd be foolish to let one meaningless grade deplete my confidence, but it's hard to not be upset.